Feeling The Light Again
by AlyB123
Summary: It's the third anniversary of Audrey's death and Ressler is having a hard time focusing on the good memories until an unexpected person prompts him to open up. Future fic. Part of the Ressler Prompts series.


_Ressler Prompt # 6, submitted by oswasawas on Tumblr: It's Audrey's memorial day. Does he want to spend it alone? Will he talk about this to anyone? And what will happen? As always, reviews are greatly appreciated and suggestions for future prompts are welcome. Feel free to message me on tumblr (alyblacklist)_

* * *

Donald Ressler awoke with a jolt, his heart pounding, his body covered in sweat, the sheet twisted around his legs. He glanced at the clock on the beside table and groaned. 4:30 a.m. He lay on his back and stared at the ceiling as he forced himself to breathe deeply until his heartbeat gradually slowed back to a more normal rhythm. The nightmare was all too familiar, though thankfully less frequent these days. But today was the third anniversary of Audrey's murder and his subconscious was reliving every minute that his conscious self wished it could forget. _Why can't I have a good dream about her just once_ , he thought angrily. He tried desperately to think of the happy times, to remember her beautiful smile, her touch. But every time he tried, his mind took him right back to that horrible day and all he could see was the blood everywhere and the life draining out of her before his eyes. He blinked hard and sat up and swung his legs over the side of the bed, rubbing his hair in frustration. No use trying to sleep any more.

He stared at his reflection in the bathroom mirror, the dark circles under his eyes a testament to his restless night. He wanted to pound something, to break something. _No, what you really want is to the numb the pain. Make it go away_. He closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against the coolness of the mirror. Y _ou just have to get through the day. Tomorrow it's over for another year._ On the first anniversary of her death, he had visited her grave. He hadn't been back since. He hated cemeteries. He found them cold and empty. No, he'd muscle through today like all the others by throwing himself into work.

He strode back into the bedroom and slipped into a fresh t-shirt, track pants and sneakers. Might as well go for a run since he was up so early. The physical exercise would hopefully help clear his mind. A rush of cold March air greeted him as he stepped outside his apartment building and he shivered involuntarily. He could see his breath in the glow from the street lamp. There wasn't a soul on the street. He started at a slow jog and gradually increased his pace as he headed for the riverfront park a few blocks away. He preferred to run there early in the morning when he could be alone. Sure enough, he was the only jogger in the park.

As he ran, his thoughts wandered to the what-ifs. What if he'd left her at the apartment that day instead of rushing to take her to the cabin? What if he'd taken a different route? What if he hadn't jumped out to fight Tanida? What if the bullet had missed? Would he be a husband by now? A father? He increased his pace as he desperately tried to push the thoughts away and quiet his mind. Finally, he was running so hard he could focus on nothing more than pumping his legs as his lungs strained against the cold air. Thirty minutes later, he was back at his apartment door, muscles trembling and once more covered in sweat. But the exercise had had the desired effect and as he showered and dressed he felt calmer and more in control. Before leaving the apartment, he paused in front of the mirror to straighten his tie. He stared at his reflection for a moment and clenched his jaw. Time to put the mask on. _Just get through the day._

* * *

At the Post Office, Ressler stepped out of the elevator and was greeted almost immediately by Cooper. "Reddington has a lead. Keen's going to fill us in." Ressler nodded and followed Cooper into the war room, grateful to be able to immerse himself in a case right away.

"Hey," Liz said, looking up.

"Hey," he replied curtly. She stared at him for a minute and then cocked her head. "You ok?"

"Yeah, I'm fine, why?" he asked, trying to sound nonchalant. He hoped she wouldn't press him.

"You look tired," Liz replied. But it was more than that. There was something about him that just seemed...off. She couldn't put a finger on it.

Ressler shrugged. "I went for a run this morning. Probably overdid it."

Before Liz could say anything else, Aram and Samar joined them. "Let's get started," Cooper said.

* * *

After Liz had finished her briefing, Cooper turned to Ressler. "I need you and Navabi to go check out this lead."

"Copy that. Let's roll," Ressler replied and he turned towards the elevator followed by Samar. Liz stared at his retreating back.

"Something's off with him today," she muttered.

"Well, that's kind of understandable," Aram replied from behind her and Liz turned, startled.

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"Umm...nothing, really. I didn't mean anything. Forget I said anything." Aram stammered.

"Aram..." Liz began, firmly.

Aram sighed. "Three years ago today is when Audrey died," he said quietly.

Liz stared at him for a second. "Oh my god, of course it is. I completely forgot. I can't believe I forgot."

Aram shook his head. "Don't feel bad Agent Keen. I have a feeling he doesn't want anyone to mention it. I just... My calendar on my phone has all these important dates... births, deaths...so I remember" he finished, apologetically.

Liz touched his shoulder. "You're a good friend, Aram."

Aram smiled, but then his smile quickly faded. "That reminds me, I need to delete your..." and he looked up at her and gulped.

"My death? Or fake death I guess we should say?" Liz replied, bemused. Aram nodded nervously.

"Like I said - you're a good friend, Aram," and she squeezed his arm as she turned and returned to her office and sank into her chair lost in thought. Had it really been three years since Audrey died? It was hard to believe. She hadn't known her well. There simply hadn't been time and since she was killed, Ressler never talked about her. _He keeps it all bottled up inside_ , she thought.

"Sorry to interrupt your reverie, Lizzy, but it's time to go." Liz looked up to see Reddington standing in the doorway, fedora in hand. She got up and followed him out of the building. As they walked to the car, Liz's mind was still on Ressler.

"You're awfully quiet," Reddington said as they got in the car. "What's on your mind, Lizzy?"

Liz hesitated, unsure whether she should say anything, but Reddington waited patiently.

"I'm worried about Ressler," she said finally.

"Why? What has Agent Ressler gotten himself into now?" Reddington asked.

"Today's the third anniversary of Audrey's death and he's at work like it's any other day. I could tell this morning that something was off with him. I think it bothers him more than he will let on. But he never talks her about her. Not to me, anyway. I don't think to anyone."

Reddington sighed. "Grief is a lonely process, Lizzy. And a slow one. Donald is a very private person. He doesn't like to show weakness."

"Sounds like someone else I know," Liz replied with a pointed look at Reddington.

Reddington nodded. "Yes, Donald and I have more in common at times than he would like to admit. Are you worried that he's using again?"

Liz shook her head. "No, I don't think so. But he just seems so...alone. What do I do? Try to talk to him? Pretend like I don't know? What do you suggest?"

Reddington pursed his lips. "I think you're going to have to trust your own instincts on this one, Lizzy. But perhaps Donald needs a reminder that he is _not_ alone and that there _are_ people who care."

* * *

As the day progressed, Liz continued to mull whether and how to approach Ressler. He'd been like a rock for her in the aftermath of all that had happened with her father and Tom but despite all of that, he never opened up about his own life or his own problems. She was mad at herself for not taking the initiative sooner to restore their relationship to a more equal footing in that regard.

Late in the afternoon, she was back in her office when Samar burst in and flopped down in Ressler's chair. "That man is going to get himself killed one of these days," Samar snapped.

"What happened? Where's Ressler?" Liz asked anxiously.

"He's in the shower as far as I know. Cooling off, I hope. He's lost his mind entirely. He chased a guy brandishing a loaded weapon up to a roof top, jumped to the next roof - which was not a short distance - and disarmed him all without waiting for any backup. It was reckless!"

Liz's mind was racing. "He's done some crazy things before. That's nothing new."

"That's true. But something felt different with him today. Like he didn't care what happened to himself." Samar got up with a sigh. "I'm heading out. I yelled at him enough in the car."

"How did he react to that?" Liz asked.

Samar shrugged. "He just let me rant. He didn't really say anything. Have a good night."

After Samar left, Liz sat at her desk, weighing what to do. Samar's words echoed in her mind. _Like he didn't care what happened to himself_. Finally, she got up and headed over to wait by the door of the men's locker room.

* * *

Ressler stood in the shower, eyes closed. Samar had spent the whole ride back to the Post Office yelling at him so the quiet peace of the shower was welcome. He had done his best to tune her out. He knew he'd acted stupidly today. But in the moment, the rush of adrenaline had taken over and all he cared about was apprehending the guy he was chasing, personal safety be damned. He appreciated her concern, but all he wanted right now was to go home and finish out the last few hours of the day. Maybe hit the whiskey.

He quickly combed his damp hair and grabbed his jacket and slung it over his arm. As he walked into the hallway, he was surprised to see Liz leaning against the wall.

"What are you still doing here, Keen?" he asked guardedly. He bet that Samar had filled her in on the day's events, but he really wasn't in the mood for another lecture.

The sour expression on his face told her everything she needed to know about how to approach him. "I was actually hoping you could help me," she replied smoothly. "My car won't start and I really need to get home to Agnes. I was wondering if you could give me a ride?"

Ressler sighed, his initial irritation fading. Not what he was expecting but of course he'd help her. "Sure. You want me to take a look at the car and see if I can get it going?"

"Can we do that tomorrow?" Liz asked, pleadingly, "I'm really concerned about getting home as soon as I can so I can let the sitter leave."

"Sure. C'mon, let's go."

Liz followed him to the SUV and climbed in the passenger side. "I really appreciate this. Thank you."

"It's no problem, Keen. Any time."

As they drove through the streets, Liz studied him discreetly. She could see the dark circles under his eyes, the tension in his shoulders. She felt guilty for not noticing it sooner. He looked haggard. She hoped the next part of her plan would work as well as the first.

"All right, we're here," he said as he pulled up in front of her house.

"Will you come in for a minute? Please? You haven't seen Agnes in forever." Liz asked, beseechingly.

Ressler shook his head. "Another time, Keen. Promise." All he wanted was to be alone. He'd suck down a couple of glasses of whiskey and call it a day. He was no good company tonight, that's for sure.

"Please - it would mean a lot," she pleaded, touching his sleeve lightly.

Ressler sighed. She was making him feel guilty. "Ok, but just for a few minutes."

"Thank you. Really." She looked at him and smiled as he turned off the car and followed her up the steps.

Ressler looked around the living room as Liz said goodbye to the babysitter who was filling her in on Agnes's day. Liz had done a lot since he'd been here last to help her move in after she and Tom had separated. She'd painted the walls and the room was warm and cozy with pictures of Agnes and toys strewn over the carpet.

"Ok, here she is. Can you believe how big she's gotten?" Liz held out Agnes for him to take and he was startled as she dropped the unexpected weight of the baby into his arms.

"Wow, yeah she has," he replied as he stared into Agnes's deep blue eyes. He felt a rush of tenderness as Agnes reached up a tiny hand and patted his cheek. "She's beautiful, Liz."

"Do you think you could hold her for just a few minutes while I run and get changed?" Liz asked. "It would be a huge help."

"Uh, sure. Go ahead," he replied as he eased himself down onto the couch with Agnes who smiled and gurgled at him. "Look at you," he said to the baby. "You've got teeth and everything."

Liz came downstairs a few minutes later to find Ressler laughing and playing peek-a-book with Agnes and she felt a rush of warmth as she watched them together. She hoped that her instincts were right and that a night with living, breathing people was exactly what he needed on this day.

"Aww, she likes you," Liz said as she came back into the room. Agnes reached for her and she picked her up out of Ressler's lap. "Why don't you stay for dinner tonight. I'm not much of a cook but I promise I won't poison you and this way the two of you can spend some more time together."

Ressler hesitated. Suddenly the cold loneliness of his apartment and the bottle of whiskey was vastly less appealing.

"Please? We so rarely have company. It'd be really nice." Liz implored.

"Sure, why not," he said finally, loosening his tie.

"You want a beer or something?" Liz opened the fridge.

"Sure," he replied.

* * *

Two hours later, Liz was pleased to see Ressler looked visibly more relaxed as he watched Agnes crawl around on the floor with her toys.

"Let me help you with the dishes," he said as he got up from the couch and stretched.

"In a minute," Liz replied. I need to put Agnes to bed. "Come on in so you can say goodnight."

Ressler followed her into Agnes's nursery and watched as Liz changed the baby and changed her into a footed sleeper.

"I need to fix her bottle. Can you hold her for a minute?" Liz asked, gesturing towards the glider. Ressler nodded and settled into the chair, holding his arms out for the baby.

"I'll be right back," she said as she disappeared to the kitchen. When she returned with the bottle, she couldn't help but smile at the sight of the two of them in the chair together. Agnes was staring at Ressler intently and he was rubbing her cheek with his finger.

"She looks like you," he said softly, smiling up at her.

"Why don't you give her the bottle and I'll take care of the dishes," Liz said. Ressler looked startled.

"I don't know how..." he began.

"It's not hard," Liz laughed. "She knows what to do. Sometimes she falls asleep drinking it. If she doesn't, just rock her and tell her a story. She likes stories."

Ressler arched an eyebrow but reached out and accepted the bottle and a burp cloth, settling Agnes more firmly into the crook of his arm. Liz turned off the light and closed the door and headed back to the kitchen to finish the dishes. She finished the dishes, but Ressler had not emerged from Agnes's room yet. She turned off the water and turned up the volume on the baby monitor. She heard nothing for a moment, but then she heard Ressler's deep voice, speaking softly.

"You're still awake, huh? Your mom says I have to tell you a story if that happens. You want to hear a story, Agnes?" Liz smiled to herself, listening to him, the creak of the glider the only other sound.

"Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess. She was kind, and caring and she had the most beautiful warm brown eyes. She smelled like...flowers and vanilla and springtime all mixed into one. She loved the outdoors, she loved horses. And she loved to draw... Her name was Audrey..." Liz heard his voice catch and she froze, tears stinging her eyes. She couldn't intrude on his private moment one second longer. She quickly flipped off the monitor and turned the water back on, pretending to wash another pot.

She finished her second round of "dishwashing" and waited, but Ressler still had not emerged from Agnes's room so she sat down and tried to distract herself with a magazine while she waited for him. After nearly half hour had passed, curiosity overcame her and she flipped the baby monitor back on but all she heard was silence. Puzzled, she crept down the hall to the nursery and carefully cracked the door open. Ressler was asleep in the glider, Agnes nestled on his chest, also sound asleep. In the dim light, Liz could barely make out the tracks of dried tears on his cheeks and she felt her own eyes dampen once more. She watched them for a moment and then tiptoed into the room and carefully lifted Agnes from his arms and put her in her crib.

"Ressler," she whispered, patting his cheek. He opened his eyes, startled, and blinked at her. Liz held a finger over her lips as she gestured towards the crib and he got up slowly and followed her out of the room. Once in the hallway, she closed the nursery door behind them. Ressler followed her back to the living room rubbing his head.

"Sorry about that Keen. I better head home. I'm exhausted. I didn't sleep very well last night."

"Don't be sorry. You look like you haven't slept very well for a lot longer than a night. Why don't you just crash on the couch? You don't look like you should be driving."

Ressler hesitated. Part of him wanted to leave, but part of him did not want to leave the warm glow of the evening behind and head out into the cold back to his lonely apartment.

"You sure?" he said hesitantly.

"Yes," Liz replied firmly. "I'm sure. I'll get you a blanket and a pillow." She returned a moment later and handed them to Ressler who accepted them gratefully.

Agnes suddenly sighed in her sleep and Ressler turned and saw the baby monitor on the kitchen counter. He turned to Liz and licked his lips, looking embarrassed. "How much of my bedtime story did you hear?"

Liz sighed. The last thing she wanted to do was make him feel uncomfortable. "I only heard the first few lines until you mentioned Audrey's name. Once I realized where you were going with it, I turned it off. I swear. I didn't listen." She studied his face anxiously, waiting for a reaction.

He nodded, wearily, as he sat down on the couch. "Thanks, Keen. She died three years ago, today."

"I know," Liz replied softly. "I'm sorry. And I want you to know that if you ever want to talk about her, I'd love to listen. I'm sure she was a wonderful person."

Ressler swallowed hard. "Thanks. Not sure I'm ready to do that yet but I appreciate it." He paused before continuing. "But tonight was the first night I've been able to think about all the good times again. All the good things about her. Before, all I could see in my mind was her dying over and over and over again. And it was like everything else got pushed aside. All the good memories were gone." He looked up at her and she could see the lingering redness in his eyes. "But tonight I was able to tell Agnes about the good stuff. Maybe someday I can tell you too."

"I hope so," Liz said and she reached out and embraced him tightly and placed a light kiss on his cheek. "Now get some sleep!" She rose and paused in the doorway, smiling as she watched him stretch out on the couch and close his eyes.

* * *

The next morning, she awoke to the smell of coffee in the kitchen and the low tones of Ressler's voice. Confused, she stumbled into the kitchen to see him lying on the rug building a block tower for Agnes who was clapping gleefully as she proceeded to knock over his handiwork. He looked up at her and smiled and she was pleased to see that the dark circles under his eyes were gone.

"You two are up early," she said with a laugh, bending to kiss Agnes. "Did you sleep ok?"

"Better than I have in a long time," he replied sincerely. Liz poured herself a cup of coffee and sat down on a chair.

"I have to confess something," she said. He arched an eyebrow but waited for her to continue. "I didn't really have car trouble yesterday. I just knew if I asked you to come over, you'd say no. And I hate to see you so alone all the time. You've been so supportive to me with everything with Tom...I wanted to be there for you too. I'm worried about you, especially after what Samar told me you did yesterday. I care about you. I need you in my life so please don't do anything stupid like that again."

Ressler stared at her for a minute and then chuckled. "You know me too well, Keen." His face became serious again. "But seriously - thanks. I feel like I'm back in the land of the land of the living again. And that's a good place to be." He reached a hand out and stroked Agnes's head. "Now go get ready so we're not late for work." Liz laughed and grabbed her coffee and headed back into her room, her heart feeling lighter already.

Ressler watched her go and then whispered conspiratorially to Agnes "Your mom's something else, baby girl."


End file.
